Opening of my latest thing...

[emjen]

Ok, I've got two versions of the first 10 pages. The first is my original one, and is the beginning of the draft I now have.

The second version is the rewrite I'm doing, and that rewrite isnt done yet (the rewrite covers the first act)

--------------------VERSION 1---------------

Todd walks out of the church, into the darkness.

EXT. MAIN STREET ? HUMBLE VILLAGE ? DAWN

A group of TRAVELERS are walking down the street, backpacked, lead by a PRIEST. They?re on pilgrimage.

Todd is wakened up by the pilgrims. He was sleeping on a bench in front of a BAKER?S SHOP. A customer walks out of the bakery and joins Todd with checking the travelers.

CUSTOMER
That?s the sixth group this month. All headin? towards the mountains.

The customer, a gray man, grabs a newly bought sandwich. Todd looks at it when the man starts chewing.

CUSTOMER
(mouth full)
Word goes angels?re livin? there.

The customers? jaw?s pulverizing the sandwich. The customer notices Todd?s stare.

CUSTOMER
You want?

Todd refuses.

CUSTOMER
(grabs new sandwich)
You can have this one.

Todd refuses again.

TODD (VO)
Cheese, cucumber, ham, lettuce and some mayonnaise. But nothing tops a sprinkled peanutbuttered sandwich.

INT. DINING ROOM ? ORPHANAGE ? DAY

Dozens of children are having breakfast at a large table. An eight-year-old Todd?s fixing himself a sandwich.

TODD
Can you pass me the sprinkles?

They?re passed. Todd is using the sprinkles on top of a peanutbutterd sandwich with extreme care. He isn?t fixing a sandwich, he?s making the Work of God. Todd?s neighbour BILLY looks at Todd?s work of art.

BILLY
Who?re you makin? that for?

TODD
For me.

BILLY
Can I have a piece of that?

TODD
Nah-ah. I made it.

BILLY
But I gave you a bite of cereal yesterday.

Todd lends consent. Suddenly a DOOR bursts open and one of the orphans, a twelve-year-old boy, walks in black and bruised. A STAFF MEMBER holding the door looks in, then heads back to his own business.

The orphans go silent as the bruised boy takes a seat on the table. We now see that he?s not the only one with bruises. Many children have thick lips, black eyes and patches on their faces.

Billy and Todd, the youngest of the orphans, don?t know what?s happening around here. When Todd looks at the other side of the table, the place of the older orphans, he sees DREADFUL faces, full of SORROW.

EXT. MAIN STREET ? HUMBLE VILLAGE ? DAWN

Todd stands up, greets the customer and follows the pilgrims.

CUSTOMER
Goin? to see the angels, eh?

Yes.

CUSTOMER
Well, if you see?m, tell them they should say hi to my wife.

The customer watches Todd walk away.

EXT. ABANDONED ROAD ? FOREST ? DAY

The priest jumps over a small stream, followed by the pilgrims all hopping over one by one. They don?t wait for Todd, who walks THROUGH the stream. One of the young boys, PEPE (15), looks at him with a special interest.

The group continues through the sparsely treed forest, slowly climbing upwards. Pepe waits for Todd to walk beside him.

PEPE
Hi.

Todd greets with a look of despise.

PEPE
You?re going to see them as well?

Yes.

PEPE
What I don?t get is why we have to walk the whole way. But my dad says it will make us feel better when we?ve reached the town.

Pepe takes a look at the hilt of the sword.

PEPE
Say, you?ve got a sword?

Todd doesn?t answer, but responds in covering the hilt with his robe.

PEPE
Well?

Todd doesn?t answer.

PEPE
Can I see it?

No.

Pepe looks at Todd and feels a bit uncomfortable. He doesn?t want to argue.

PEPE
Have you already seen one of the angels?

Yes. Todd responds uninterested.

PEPE
In real life?

Yes.

PEPE
(enthusiastic)
Wow! What are they like? My dad says, if you?re touched by an angel, no matter how many sins you have, you?ll be pured. But I don?t know. Is that true?

Todd gives the little boy a cold look and--
SLAPS him on the back of the head.

And?

The boy rubs his head. Just that.

PEPE
You don?t talk much do you?

The group in front of them halts and a few women SCREAM. Todd and Pepe join at the back and see that THREE SATANISTS are making trouble. With GUNS pointed at them.

SATANIST 1 (**** )
(singing)
Chame- chame- chame- chame- chameleon. You come and goo, you come and goohoohooo.
(shouting)
if you are true to heart and think God is a supercool person.

SATANIST 2 (RICK) points at a frightened woman.

RICK
Thou there. Dost thou think God is supercool?

The woman nods her crying head.

RICK
Cooler than Fonzie?

She?s too afraid to respond.

RICK
(screaming)
Is he cooler than Fonzie?

WOMAN
Y? Yes?

RICK
That?s a WRONG FUCKIN? answer!

The pilgrims SCREAM when RICK aims at the woman-

RICK
Fonzie is uber-cool.

- and **** whispers something in Rick?s ear. Rick?s eyes search the crowd and end on TODD.

The satanists lower their guns and back away. Scared almost.

Some of the pilgrims look back, and notice Todd as well.

LATER DOWN THE ROAD

Todd walks behind, questioned by Pepe and a beautiful woman, SABINE, 26.

PEPE
(to Sabine)
No, he can?t speak.

SABINE
Why not?

PEPE
I don?t know. He just can?t.

SABINE
(to Todd)
Are you stupid?

No.

SABINE
Were you born that way?

No.

SABINE
May I ask you what happened?

Todd gives her a cold look--

SABINE
You don?t have to answer if you don?t want to.

Todd scribbles something down on paper. Sabine reads it.

SABINE
I don?t get it. What has that got to do with--

Todd ignores her and walks further.

Pepe snatches the piece of paper out of her hands.

PIECE OF PAPER
?The angels?

Pepe looks confused at Todd.

EXT. MOUNTAINS ? DUSK

The group of travelers looks up to the mountains. Tall and brown, their peeks touching heaven. A DARK TOWN placed right in the middle of them. Cars come and go.

PEPE
We should?ve taken a car.

------------------------VERSION 2----------------

Todd walks out of the church, into the darkness.

EXT. MAIN STREET ? HUMBLE VILLAGE ? DAWN

A group of TRAVELERS are walking down the street, backpacked, lead by a PRIEST. They?re on pilgrimage.

Todd is wakened up by the pilgrims. He was sleeping on a bench in front of a BAKER?S SHOP. A customer walks out of the bakery and joins Todd with checking the travelers.

CUSTOMER
That?s the sixth group this month. All headin? towards the mountains.

The customer, a gray man, grabs a newly bought sandwich. Todd looks at it when the man starts chewing.

CUSTOMER
(mouth full)
Weird thing happened since those Angels came. Everyone has been exaggerating everything ever since? uhm yeah?
(chews)
As if it?s the Santa Clause who keeps watching out for naughty folks.

The customers? jaw?s pulverizing the sandwich. The customer notices Todd?s stare.

CUSTOMER
You want?

Todd refuses.

CUSTOMER
(grabs new sandwich)
You can have this one.

Todd refuses again.

TODD (VO)
Cheese, cucumber, ham, lettuce and some mayonnaise. But nothing tops a sprinkled peanutbuttered sandwich.

CUSTOMER
Could you do me some favor then, and please stop looking at my food.

Oh, he?s looking at his food. He shakes it off and looks at the Pelgrims going away.

CUSTOMER
D?d you know why they?re on foot?

Todd shrugs his shoulders.

CUSTOMER
Because it earthens the whole experience.

As the customer says this he does a little jiggly thing with his hands to express ?earthens?. He takes a bite off his sandwich.

CUSTOMER
Say, what are you up to?

Todd eyes the customer again. And the sandwich? and back to the customer.

CUSTOMER
Going to see them angels too?

Todd turns his head back and nods.

CUSTOMER
Ok. I?ve seen them too you know. With wings and all that.

The customer pauses proudly, expecting Todd?s excitement. But there is none.

CUSTOMER
They were beautiful. It?s a weird experience, I?ll give you that. But there?s something about them, which just makes you? it makes you?

While the customer talks about the angels Todd?s expression is getting angrier and angrier.

CUSTOMER (CONT?D)
It makes you feel small? that?s what it does. It makes you feel like you?re nothing at all in this world. And I didn?t even believe in God.

As the word ?God? is said Todd rises up and paces away. Angry.

CUSTOMER
What?

Todd follows the direction of the Pelgrims.

EXT. ROAD ? DAY

He still walks down the road, alone, when a small VAN stops next to him. The window opens and a MALE FACE pops out.

MALE FACE
Need a ride?

Todd reluctantly agrees.

MALE FACE
In the back.

Todd walks to the back and opens the doors. Two benches at the sides. On the right side sits an old man.

OLD MAN
Hello.

Todd doesn?t answer.

OLD MAN
Hello?

Todd can?t answer.

OLD MAN
Hello? Who is there?

Todd sighs and clears his throat. The Old Man is blind.

MALE FACE (OS)
Hey, are you stupid?

Todd nods.

MALE FACE (OS)
(to Old Man)
He can?t talk.
(to Todd)
He?s blind.
(to himself)
That? must be annoying.

Todd reaches back with his hand, and grabs his SWORD. We never see it entirely, but it?s clear that it?s a big thing. He shoves it inside the van, and then follows it.

INT. BACK OF THE VAN

Todd sits across the Old Man and checks him out.

Dark Clothes, old skin, eyes closed, and a white chord around his neck.

He?s a priest!

Todd curses in himself.

OLD MAN
So? I can?t really ask questions because you can?t answer them.

Todd is pissed. In a Van with a ******* Priest.

OLD MAN
Well, I suppose you?re going to Ferethas to see the angels? or am I entirely wrong?

He isn?t wrong.

OLD MAN
It?s a shame that I never saw the Angels with my own eyes. But what is there to see, if you can feel?

The Old Man breathes happy, thinking of the angels.

OLD MAN
Your eyes are only a tool, a small road between point A and B, to get something across. A feeling or an emotion. Your eyes can?t give you that feeling, but they only show your brain what to feel. They?re just tools for a greater thing.

The Old Man sighs sadly.

OLD MAN
And I abused them years ago. I used them only for foul purposes. My eyes were my instruments of sin. So I --

He strokes his closed eyes. His hands shake.

Todd looks confused at this man. He recognizes something.

OLD MAN
Ah but what?s the point? It was the best thing I have ever done. There?s no foulness about me anymore!

The Old Man laughs and slaps on Todd?s thigh. Todd?s disgusted.

He looks out the back of the van and sees the group of pilgrims.

EXT. VAN, NEARING FERETHAS ? AFTERNOON

The walls of the City are visible. The van is heading up the mountains

OLD MAN (VO)
Oh, I haven?t felt the angels in a while now. I?m looking forward to it. I can?t quite explain what I feel, but I do feel something. It?s as if I can see them, but not through my eyes.

INT. VAN

The Old Man is talking to a wall. An angry wall. Todd stares outside, doing what he always does when something starts to annoy him ? biting his lips.

OLD MAN (CONT?D)
There?s light ? light from God, perhaps. And there?s this immense? purity. The angels truly are the light of the world.

Todd looks down, at the hilt of his sword. Then he glances at the Old Man ? and back at the sword.

He has to be careful not to bite through his under lip, because the Old Man is really getting on his nerves.

EXT. VAN, NEARING FERETHAS

The van is slowing down, behind other cars and buses coming to a halt. They?re all inspected by some kind of customs.

The back doors open and an agitated Todd jumps out. He grabs his sword ? again we can?t see it completely ? and throws the doors shut.

A sigh of relief.

NEXT TO THE ROAD ? MOMENT LATER

Todd walks towards the huge City. A few pilgrims walk in front of him. He looks up at the walls, and strokes the hilt of his sword.

As he walks further upwards he sees why there is a small traffic jam. Every car is inspected before they cross the border. Every pilgrim has to walk through a few metal detectors as well.

He bites his lip.

EXT. PARKING LOT

The parking lot is the only one in front of Ferethas, next to the only road going to it.

When Todd enters the lot he walks past a JOURNALIST, reporting in front of a camera.

JOURNALIST
?in front of Ferethas, the only country ruled by religion, just like hundreds of years ago. Now something vile has happened, one of the Seven Angels has died. It?s still unconfirmed how. This is ill news for the inhabitants of Angel Land, or The Holy City for some?

Todd searches the lot. Small cars. People having a break from their trip. There ?

A van.

INT. BACK OF THE VAN

Todd looks through the windows. A normal van for a big family.

Another van.

INT. BACK OF THE NEXT VAN

This one is used for space. It?s empty.

Todd looks around. No one around him. He walks to the front of the van, and tries to open the door ? and it opens!

FARMER (OS)
(French)
Hey what?s going on?

A French farmer, who was taking a leak, rushes up to Todd.

FARMER (FRENCH)
(angry)
What do you want sir?

Todd gives him a jab on the nose.

THE VAN, DRIVING - LATER

Todd?s driving style is horrible. The van stalls several times, and he almost hits another car. But it?s sufficient.
EXT. THE CUSTOMS

Todd greets the custom officer.

CUSTOM OFFICER
Good day. Plan on staying long?
(Todd shakes head)
You carrying guns, or weapons of some sort?
(Todd shakes head)
Liquor, drugs?
(Todd shakes head)
You here for salvation?

Todd shakes his head but then quickly changes into a nod.

CUSTOM OFFICER
Just a sec.

He opens the back doors and peeks inside.

Todd awaits in silence.

It?s empty. He approves and signals Todd to drive ahead.

Todd drives the van further and stops in front of the

ENTRANCE OF FERETHAS, CITY WALL.

A PRIEST greets him.

PRIEST
Surprised?

Todd looks at the happy priest.

PRIEST
That we don?t need your ID?

Todd shrugs.

PRIEST
Well, just go on ahead, be sure to pick up the Holy Book for the laws of Ferethas, follow them, and you?ll be fine. Have a nice day.

Todd drives through the DARK CITY WALL. Into Ferethas.


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I hope I havent bothered you too much with reading, but any help on which version is best is much appreciated!

[emjen]

Didn't anyone read my two versions... or...? It wasn't that much now was it?